“The Lovers”: How To Identify Relationship Patterns and Steps To Heal

I pulled the Lovers card from my Mythical Tarot deck. It featured Paris and three goddesses: Aphrodite, Athena, and Hera. In the myth, he was to give them a golden apple and the goddess chosen would help him in the area she represented. As a young lad, he was most inclined to get help in the love and sexuality realm, so gave the apple to Aphrodite. He could have received wisdom or riches, but he wanted love and beauty in his life. This didn’t come without any repercussions on his end, and it may not have been the wisest choice. The Lovers card comes after the Emperor and Empress in the major arcana of the Tarot deck, which represent our parents. Our parents and the relationships we have with them, or other caregivers, sets us up for how we establish relationships in our adolescent and adult lives. If we don’t stop to understand how our relationships affected us growing up, we may continue to repeat familiar, yet unhealthy, patterns in our romantic relationships. What may seem enticing, such as what Aphrodite has to offer, may be detrimental to our livelihood or keep us on an unhealthy track. This card really got me thinking about how I relate and what I learned from the relationship with my caregivers, especially my father. In this article, I will express the conditioning I received, the beliefs I adopted because of this, how it has affected my relationships, and tools I have used that can be easily duplicated to help find your true self so that you can feel confident in asking for the relationship you desire and interrupt familiar, yet unhealthy patterns.
    
For much of my dating life, I ran off the high of male validation, which I equated with “love”. Starting with my dad, making sure he was happy with me insured my feelings of worth and love. It was much more peaceful if I just went along with what he said. To avoid arguing, being grounded, or having objects thrown at me, I would keep my mouth shut. If we did disagree or I got caught doing something I shouldn’t be, the high of reconciling was powerful. The relief of no longer being in trouble was blissful. This definitely made its way into my dating world. I’d keep my mouth shut, soothe the problem, make it my fault so we could move forward, or enjoy the make up sex after a fight. I just wanted to feel wanted, worthy, loved, and safe. Getting to a point of danger, and the coming back from it can be intoxicating.
    
I also watched how my father would react to an attractive woman on TV and listen to the comments he made about them. He kept stacks of Playboys, I found some of his porn tapes, and I noticed on a subconscious level the way he interacted with my mom. I cannot remember a single time he complimented my mom in front of me, nor do I remember them being physically affectionate with each other. The message was beginning to embed itself into my deep processing systems. “Look like this and you will receive admiration. If you don’t, you won’t receive any words of affirmation or physical touch (my top two love languages)”. I was terrified of my dad not loving me if I wasn’t an attractive woman.

 I received a taste of this criticism that shot into me like a dagger when I was 10. I became very ill, overnight, and was in discomfort for weeks. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong with me. I couldn’t keep food down, and I wasn’t really interested in eating anyway because my guts felt like they were twisted in knots. Finally, we went to an acupuncturist, and I felt better in a few days than I had even before I got sick! I was energized, and felt lighter, and was down several pounds. The instance that stands out was when we were standing outside on a porch together. I was wearing a floral dress, the sun was shining, I was energized, happy, and excited that I was feeling so much better. I told him “Dad, I feel great, and I finally feel skinny!”. He said to me, without pause, “Can you still pinch an inch on your tummy?” I felt deflated, and twenty-three years later, I still remember it.  Another program created in my system “no matter what you do, or improvements you make, you’re never going to be good enough”. These programs created a war inside of me, against myself, my body, and my mind. I adopted the act of binging and purging as well as over-exercising during most of high school. My grades were never good enough. If I received an A, “well, that’s what you’re supposed to do”. If I received anything lower than that, “what did you miss? How can you do better?” or if they dipped too low, I would be grounded. This cascaded into sneaking out, lying, or more harsh self-punishment. I also followed this pattern in relationships when I didn’t feel good enough.
    
I am sharing these things not as a “poor me” or attempting to put my parents in a bad light. I am sharing my story to uncover my own patterns, outdated and unhelpful programming, and discover what is part of the system playing out in my present reality. I also am sharing this to help the reader identify similarities or discover their own patterns that have continued to play out in their adult life. No one is alone, and everyone gets to choose to take responsibility for their part of the story and change the narrative if it’s not working anymore.  The good news is that the conditioning isn’t mine alone, it was passed down from my parents from their parents, and so on. It can be healed, and I can learn a lot of compassion for my parents and myself by bringing this story into the light.
    
The need for my father’s approval, validation, love, and the high I get from coming out of uncomfortable situations and experiences absolutely carried into my relationships with all men.  I know there is still so much to be uncovered, and I am choosing to pick up the shovel myself and dig. Having this awareness has dramatically improved my relationship with myself and romantic relationships. I can no longer deny when these patterns show up in my life because I have put them in the spotlight. There’s a lot of unpacking to do, and I bet I could fill a book with all the connections of my relationship with my father to every man I have ever dated, worked for, or been taught or coached by.
    
I just wanted to feel loved. I wanted acceptance, to be told I was beautiful, to be touched, held, and admired. I wanted to feel irreplaceable, my existence validated, and to be told I am enough. And I required that all of these came from outside of myself; from a man. For years, I sought this out, in all of the most challenging places. I found the men who treated me like I was “never quite good enough” after they professed their adoration to me. I found men who cheated on me, validating my story of “not good enough”. I was in competition with other women, people, or other aspects of their lives. I found men who tore at my self-esteem, further spiraling the negative programming.  There were plenty who fought with me or told me that my desire for touch was overwhelming. I would receive just enough; just enough validation, love-bombing, compliments, and sweet offerings to keep me hooked, but not fully being preset with me and what I needed. I have come to a realization that I was getting something out of this story. It felt familiar. I had a challenge. It also allowed me to never really get too close to anyone, because if they did, then they would really see all of my flaws and know for sure “I wasn’t good enough”. With this distance, I would leave or I would push them away.
    
At some point, this way of relating became exhausting. It didn’t feel like my truth, and it didn’t light me up. I had to start facing the fact that I was allowing these patterns to continue and to first become aware of them. It started unraveling for me when I went to a yoga ashram in the Colorado mountains in 2018. I spent an entire night looking through the Roladex of my past relationships, and went all the way to the origin- the relationship with my dad.
    
The questions I asked myself to probe deeper:

Where did this begin? How have I chosen to co-create with it? What am I getting out of this? What is at the root? How can I accept this? What can I learn from this? How will this help me grow?

I continue to ask these questions in all aspects of my life and they are incredibly powerful. I could not hid from the answers.
Being on the path of intentional self-growth, self-awareness, and self-healing I have discovered that there are always more layers. Being honest with myself, allowing myself to be aware, and choosing to live with integrity is necessary for my growth. I like to use growth instead of change. Change implies something is wrong and needs to be fixed, which can put me further down the spiral of “not enough”. Growth says that I will always have those aspects within me, but I can accept them and the gifts they bring. Growth allows me to be big enough to have all of that and more. It gives us an opportunity to become more of who we are and to live life to your greatest potential. The beliefs, conditioning, patterns, and the traits of partners I have chosen showed up, and still do, after my awareness of them. It’s not like it just “goes away”, but I get to make a choice based on that awareness. Being hard on myself when I recognize that I have slipped back into autopilot or continue to react in the same way only sends me into a tailspin. To heal requires mindfulness, courage, trusting myself, consistency, and the ability to tell myself the truth. The following exercises ad tools are just a few of the ingredients in my medicine bag that have and continue to help me stay on track with honoring myself and the ways I desire to relate with men and ultimately, myself.

BECOMING MINDFUL

There are countless books on the subject of mindfulness- what it is, how to do it, and several different styles of meditation can be found at the click of a button. The importance of mindfulness for me is to be aware of the patterns, my emotional state, and my environment. I meditate daily. Sometimes I meditate to an affirmation, or I choose a guided meditation, or I simply follow my inhales and exhales. This helps me stay centered, which is huge in relationship, especially when I had a pattern of getting tossed around by my emotions. The stillness is a very important part of my day. Mindfulness isn’t just meditation, it’s awareness. For me, mindfulness is the ability to check in with myself. Everything is energy, and all emotions, people, environments, patterns, and physical responses have their own frequency. I was taught, not necessarily directly, to not trust my gut or body’s instincts. The energy didn’t match the words that I was hearing, and not listening to my own inner wisdom created a lot of imbalance and dis-ease in my life. There are many examples in my life where I was told one thing, but felt something totally different. This led to me not trusting myself, that my feelings were not valid, and to find the logical explanation instead of my visceral reactions. I found myself in toxic relationships and unsafe situations. Now, I am learning how to trust myself and how to tap into that inner knowing. Mindfulness has led to developing my intuition, to be still enough to hear that inner voice. Checking in regularly, alone or to compare when you’re around others, is a valuable gift to yourself. I have a favorite, and very simple practice for mindfulness and checking in with my entire being.

I start with checking in with my five senses: what I can smell, taste, hear, see, and then feel (touch, temperature, proprioception). I go through each one individually, and saying thank you for each of my amazing senses. Then, I check in with my internal world, my emotions, thoughts, and any messages that pop in. Taking the time to feel calibrated with all of the senses allows me to feel when something isn’t right. I learn to trust the subtle shifts in energy around me, and I remind myself that what I am experiencing is valid! It is a practice, and the more I do it, the more I am able to notice what isn’t safe, or if someone is lying to me, or if I am lying to myself. It’s free, powerful, can be done anywhere, and is a valuable tool.

WRITING AND SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH

Journals saved my life, and have drastically improved it as well! When I journal, I am allowing myself to be completely truthful about what is on my heart and mind. To write by hand is a powerful exercise for me; the hand is an extension of the heart chakra, so my heart pours onto the page. Prompts can be especially helpful to dive into particular aspects of life: love and relationships, purpose, financial goals, dreams, shadows, etc. that need further examination. I find even free flow writing in the morning is incredibly helpful. I use a giant “Morning Pages” journal and fill three pages upon waking. It’s like a brain dump. I don’t censor myself so anything can come out. I don’t have to focus on grammar, perfection, or even staying on topic. It’s like a best friend who won’t judge or interrupt me. It clears the way for creativity, well-formed thoughts, new ideas, and it allows me to see the patterns in my mind and what I think about most. I rarely read the journals again, trusting that my truth is part of me, always. Journaling has allowed honesty to come forward and to uncover what it is that I truly desire. This is as true for relationships as it is for career, life purpose, the way I relate to the world, and for the dreams I had when I was a child. I can use journals to navigate through issues to find a solution, to rant, and to process heavy emotions. I have book shelves full of my journals and I am grateful for the generous pages.
   
Writing helps me discover my Truth: who I am, who I am not, what I desire, and I get to build an intimate and trusting relationship with myself. Having a trusted friend you can share these truths with is also a valuable and important asset. Learning how to say out loud what you want and what you have processed in your journal with a friend is beneficial because they can reflect back to you what they’re hearing and show you blind spots. It takes vulnerability and courage to do this, which are the keys to intimacy! I don’t know where I would be without my friends and I am grateful for every time I have been brave enough to share my truth. I realize that when I do that, I am not alone, there is always someone in the world who can say “I have that too”.

I want to also highlight the value and importance of coaches and therapists who can help guide you through difficult situations. I am so grateful for my coaches and therapist, and the supportive, trustworthy relationships I have built with them. They can also reflect the huge “a-has” and the truth you are living now. The more aligned you are with your truth, the stronger your core and the more opportunities and sychronicities that show up. In my life, because I am much more clear about who I am, who I am not, and what I desire, I am no longer attracted to the types of relationships I was familiar with. They are no longer a part of my Truth, so they do not even register on my radar anymore.

Write your Truth. Speak your Truth. Honor your Truth. Live your Truth. These are powerful reminders to myself as I write them.

SELF-LOVE PRACTICE

The basis of all love is self-love. Because we only see the world through a subjective lens, it really doesn’t matter if the entire world said it loved you, if you don’t believe you are worthy of love, you won’t feel it. If you don’t truly love yourself, or you can’t give it to yourself, how can you expect to know what receiving love feels like? Or how can you really love another? Self-love is radical acceptance, and it can also look like discipline. Self-love looks like healthy boundaries, and spending time with others out of want, not obligation, fear, or guilt. Self-love is standing up for yourself. Self-love is so many things and can be  created in many ways.

Self-love is becoming the mother that you always needed and wanted for yourself. I find a huge feeling of self-love with my “joyful discipline” checklist . It’s full of daily practices that bring me health, peaceful mindset, and are the steps to bring me into the future life I desire. Like a mother would remind you to brush your teeth, go to bed on time, eat your vegetables, etc. having this “joyful discipline” list as a gentle reminder to take care of myself.  It is discipline because it requires consistency, commitment, and it keeps me on the path to my dreams. It is joyful because each practice is a container that allows more joy to be held in my life. For example, I have on my list “movement”. I get to choose if that’s weight lifting, running in the woods, yoga, a workout video, or a blend of many. It benefits my mood, my metabolism, my creativity, and the health of all my body systems. This brings me so much joy! It requires discipline, and some days are a more difficult start than others. If I say consistent with it, and committed to myself, I make my future self proud, and this is an incredible act of self-love.

I also like to remind myself of my lovability by cultivating my sexuality and sharing it with myself. Sexuality was never meant to be given away or dictated by anyone else. Your sexuality and how you express it is your own! Enjoy your body, your creative fantasies, and all of the delights and pleasure your sexuality brings you. An example of this aspect of self-love, one of my favorite practices is to play in the mirror. I get undressed, put on music, light candles, and dance in front of the mirror. I admire all curves, edges, and the way my body can move. I don’t leave the mirror until I want to fuck myself, and that’s usually what I end up doing! To admire yourself, and the only audience is you, is very empowering. It puts a sparkle into your eye, you’ll move with more confidence, and you’ll start to fall in love with being you. A great indicator of self-love is no longer looking for outside validation to feel the love. Yes, the compliments will be nice, but the criticisms won’t land as harshly. To be so content with, and turned on, by your own company is power.

I spent many years, most of my life, looking to my dad and exes to love me; to tell me how great I am to them. The more I learn to love myself, the less I need to hear the validation of others. I can recover from upsets and disappointments so much easier when I am strong in my love for myself. That’s all I really have influence over anyway. There are so many ways to build connection and love with self, which leads me to the next practice, Committing To Yourself.

COMMITING TO YOURSELF

I used to chase relationships with men that were unavailable (emotionally, physically, and circumstantially), with men who were unhealthy and would co-create toxicity with me, and men who just couldn’t commit. I’d be swept off my feet, and dropped on my ass. For a long time, I was the victim, always the one being betrayed, abandoned, rejected, humiliated, or endured an injustice by the relationships on my life. I wasn’t acknowledging the part I had played in the relationships. If I was chasing after someone who was running away from commitment, then I was also running from commitment. When I admitted this to myself, I realized why I chased the relationships I did. It was easier to end a relationship if I  knew there were red flags, but I continued anyway. Then, I  wouldn’t have to be fully seen and intimate with them. It was scary to commit and I’m sure there’s more awareness around why I would stay in and be drawn to rollercoaster relationships.

I read the book “He’s Scared, She’s Scared” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol and gained so much awareness around this pattern that was creating so much pain in my life. At the back of the book were valuable exercises, including reminding yourself of your worth, feeling confident on your own, and to learn how to commit in your everyday life. I also believe that you will only be able to commit and keep commitments to your partner if you know how to do that with yourself. Also, keeping your commitments builds and maintains your self-esteem.

If I say I am going to workout today, and I honor that commitment, I establish trust with myself, and ultimately self-love. If I make an appointment with my therapist, coach, massage therapist, or esthetician, I don’t let anyone, not even a paying client, interrupt that commitment with myself. It’s a great act of self-love to honor those appointments. When you honor yourself, and can commit to a decision, you attract others who can commit and will respect you. You teach people how to treat you, especially in the way you treat yourself.

FLIPPING THE VALIDATION

If someone has the power to live you up through compliments, they will also have the power to tear you down with their criticism. To receive adoration, words of affirmation, and positive reinforcement are amazing gifts. I love telling people how I feel about them, and love receiving those things as well. However, if your only sense of self-worth comes from the opinions of others, you are in a dangerous spot. I know, because I used to jump through hoops to be loved, noticed, admired, or accepted. I didn’t want to be abandoned, so I would shift into what the other wanted me to be. This leads to an unhealthy spiral downward, and I became blinded by my need of validation that it was difficult to see if the person I was trying to impress was even someone I wanted to be with! The book “Men Don’t Love Women Like You” by G.L. Lambert was eye-opening and provided such a powerful shift in perception for me. The author called me out for the need for ego-stroking and explains why the way we (women) have been sold love is bullshit. Instead of worrying about “does he like me?”, flip it to “Do I even like this person sitting across from me? Do I actually enjoy spending time with this person? Are we compatible? Are there any deal breakers present?” This connects with speaking your Truth and self-love. Be honest with yourself and love yourself so much that you can stop to determine if this is someone you even want to spend your time with. It was game changing for me in the way I dated. Instead of wasting my time or anyone else’s, I was honest with myself about the person I was sitting across from. When you view a date from the lens of “does this person add value to my life?’ versus “I want this person to value me”, your life and how you relate to others shifts in a magical way.

TAKE YOURSELF ON A DATE

Before you get too swept up in dating another person, or even if you’re already with someone, taking yourself on a date is a radical act of self-love and if will definitely reveal your deepest truths. I love this practice so much, and it’s absolutely one of the best things you can do for yourself and others in your life.

Taking yourself on a date requires that you also make a commitment and that you respect yourself enough to not let anyone interfere with your time. To prepare, block out time in your schedule like you would any other appointment. Then, decide how you’ll treat yourself. Choose something that you treasure, give yourself a thoughtful date. Make a reservation at your favorite restaurant, or one you’ve always wanted to try,  or buy and prepare food at home after you have cleaned up for your “special guest”. Wear something that feels amazing. Your date idea can be as simple or elaborate as you desire. This is about you, and you are the guest of honor. You can take an hour to date yourself, or an entire evening. Get creative, really ask yourself what YOU want to do.

Doing this regularly keeps me in alignment with what brings me joy, my purpose, loving myself, and sets the bar for my relationship. It teaches me to love my own company and to operate from a confident place that isn’t afraid of being alone. When we fear being alone, we abandon ourselves to please another. It also allows us to join a healthy union, because we come from a place of wholeness. When there is a sense of being complete on our own, we do not tolerate disrespect or partners who are not healthy for us. In partnerships, after you take yourself on a date, there’s more to talk about and share, you have more to offer, and you can feel a greater sense of security in your relationship.

Taking yourself on a date promotes creativity, pleasure, and play – three key aspects of my mission and what I believe brings healing. Plus, it’s FUN! You can do what you want, when you want, and you get to feel what it’s like to be selfish with yourself. It makes you a better date. You can share your experiences on a partner date, can express what you enjoy, and communicate what lights you up.

BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF

It can be all too easy to get lost in the self-work, self-awareness, and desire to grow. Burnout, overwhelm, and avoidance are not helpful. As you are shifting, growing, and replacing old ways of doing things with new habits, you will kick up a lot of dust. To push through it, choking, coughing, and gagging doesn’t get you to what you’re looking for. Healing isn’t always pretty, and most of the time, it’s actually really messy. To be gentle with yourself as you uncover what has been stored away and to feel the emotions that have been stuffed down, is essential. When we are completely honest with ourselves, it can be very uncomfortable as feelings of grief, anger, disappointment, etc. can be kicked up. It’s part of the natural process of healing, and instead of forcing our way through it, or holding ourselves or others wrong, we can hold ourselves in a loving and accepting way. When I started shifting how I relate to myself, I noticed the world shifted as well.  After years, or an entire lifetime, of interacting with he world one way to seeing it in a brand new light was terrifying, even if it did lead me to a more fulfilling life. I had to be gently, compassionate, patient, and loving with myself as I navigated through old stories and revealed the truth to myself.

You don’t have to have it all figured out today. Give yourself some praise and credit for the courage it has taken to get this far. Just like the dynamics of nature- day and night, growth and decay, birth and death, we too are on a cycle.  You are allowed to, in fact it’s necessary, rest when you need to, celebrate, shine, reset, enjoy the stillness, and hold yourself close.

INVENTORY OF AWESOME

In that place of celebration, grab a journal and make a list of all the things you love about yourself, wonderful things people have said about you, hard circumstances you have survived, achievements, awards, completions, and moments of pleasure in your life. This doesn’t have to be a completed list in one setting. I hope you realize to have A LOT to write. This list puts me in a positive upswing and I feel inspired by myself. It serves as a reminder that I am a badass, that I am resourceful, perseverant, and capable of amazing things. It also reminds me of my worth so I do not rely on the opinions and validation of others.

You are allowed to celebrate you! Please do! And stop keeping yourself small; you’re not protecting anyone by doing so, not even yourself. You are awesome and I am going to add to my own “Inventory of Awesome”. Return to your list often, especially in times you feel things aren’t working out, or you’re down.

Another wonderful tool for reminding yourself that you are full of so much worth is the “Self-Esteem Box”. This can be a box, a jar, or a small notebook. I had a client use a calendar for this exercise, so get creative! Whatever you choose, this container will be a place to store the wonderful things you have contributed to the world. You can store cards, letters,  and positive affirmations you have received from others. It can be anything that gives you a feeling of self-worth and self-esteem. When you’re having a less-than-awesome feeling about yourself, dig into the box and pull out a reminder of your innate awesomeness. This is one of the most thoughtful and beautiful gifts I have given myself.

LETTERS TO EXES

In order to move forward into a new pattern and way of relating to the world, we must let go of our connections to the past that are holding us back. Often, we stay in a familiar way of being, even if it’s affecting our lives in painful ways. Much of the time, we aren’t even aware of how our ties to the past are affecting us. Resentment, unforgiveness, anger, grief, and a negative attitude towards others an weigh us down, making it impossible to move forward into a life that benefits us and the people around us. I have noticed that any perceptions, feelings, or issues that arise in my relationship are not necessarily based in the present, but are projected from issues in the past that I have not fully processed. The exercise that has helped me so much to grieve, release anger and resentment, to forgive, and find the gifts in all experiences in my life is to write letters to my exes, or anyone else that I feel has caused hurt. You can include old friends, family members, coworkers, even politicians. They don’t even have to be living, because you won’t be sending these letters directly to them. The process isn’t usually easy, and I find so much resistance, still. There are still people I am not ready to forgive or sitting down to write the letter would bring up heavy emotions, but this is exactly who I need to write to. Holding on is only hurting myself.

I like to write my letters in three parts:

  1. “Fuck you!” This is the section of to let it ALL out! List all the ways you feel this person has wronged you. The times you felt betrayed, rejected, abandoned, humiliated, or treated unfairly. Get all of it out, and don’t hold back. Don’t worry about grammar, spelling, or order. Cry, scream, yell, and exhaust the list of all the ways you’re still holding on the the pain and resentment.
  2. “Gratitude” If this person was part of your life, you have something to be grateful for. In the case of my exes, I write about all the great times we had together, what lessons I have learned, and the impact our interaction had on my life. No matter how much time I spent with this person, I have a long list of things that I can be grateful for.
  3. “Tie it together, and let go” Notice where you have overlap in the first two sections, or where one was cause for the other. For example: a “fuck you for making me feel disempowered” could turn into “thank you for showing me the importance of enforcing boundaries. Some of my most challenging relationships taught me so many valuable lessons to take with me into my current relationship and to teach my clients. To let go, we must forgive. Forgiveness is not “for them”, it sets us free! “To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to discover that the prisoner was you” Lewis B. Smedes. I find the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayer is especially helpful. It states “I forgive you, I’m sorry, Thank you, I love you”. I forgive you- I am ready to let this go and be free. I’m sorry- for holding on to this for so long. Thank you-for the lesson. I love you- because everything is transmuted with the power of love.
    After your letter is complete, burn it! The exercise of writing a letter is more for you than it is for them. Burning it clears your energy of the resentment and pain you have been clinging to. Your truth will be received energetically, and you will free yourself from the drama. When you allow yourself to let go, there is no struggle remaining. It’s like Ctrl+Alt+Delete to your energetic body and it’s cathartic.

MOVEMENT

There’s no way around the importance of physical activity if you desire to be healthy, have healthy relationships, and to move what is weighing you down. Movement allows us to release trapped emotions that are stored in the body as a reaction to trauma that wasn’t safe to process in the present moment. Movement doesn’t have to look the same everyday, and you don’t have to follow a rigid workout plan to get the benefits of moving. It can be ecstatic dance, hiking in nature, swimming, lifting weights, jogging, walking your dog, yoga, and more! Listening to the way your body is craving to move is another great way to build intuition and trust with yourself. Movement helps me release stress, tension, and trapped emotions. I also notice that it clears the channels to the divine, opens my mental functions, and promotes enhanced body awareness. I get creative downloads and ideas when I move regularly and I am much more pleasant to be around after I have moved my body

Movement signals to the mind that whatever danger we perceive is now “all clear”. It completes the stress response of fight or flight reactions. If we froze as a reaction to the original event, we still must complete the stress response cycle to move the energy. Emotions are energy in motion, they need to be moved, or they stay stuck, creating pain in all of our systems. Regardless if you’re aware of what you’re moving, you are clearing blocks and stored stress. You don’t have to consciously know the “what” or “when” to feel the benefit. Moving feels wonderful, and a body in motion stays in motion; it’s what we are designed for.

Ask yourself what kind of movement you need today. The more often you check in with yourself, the more you trust what you need. Practice asking from the place of your body, instead of your head. Take note of how you feel physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually after you move.

These ten tools continue to be so helpful to me, not just in my current relationship, but in helping me find alignment and peace in my life. Awareness is the first step and the way to growth. If we aren’t aware of our operating systems, we will continue to live our life by default. Lean into the resistance to any of these exercises. The exercises that feel the most difficult, or the ones you think you don’t need or want to do, are most likely what you need to do. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you recover pieces of yourself and sift through the difficult truths. Celebrate yourself as you grow and learn more about yourself.

Today, I am in the best relationship I have ever been in. With awareness of past conditioning, I can work on my blind spots, triggers, and healing with my partner. I am learning to give myself what I have been seeking in others, and can relate to my partner from a place of wholeness. I find it more natural to be mindful instead of reacting, and can catch myself more quickly. I am still learning, and in the process I am gentle with myself and my partner as we navigate a relationship in a conscious way. The more I let go of the resentment and anger of the past, the more I am freed up to choose love, to trust, and to honor myself and others. This is an ongoing practice and I find more and more layers to heal.

You don’t have to do this on your own. I would love to add additional support and to learn more about your own personal journey. Send me an email to rainstonewellness@gmail.com and/or connect with me on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/rainstonewellness , Instagram http://www.instagram.com/freespirit.rose or LinkedIn Savannah Freemyer.

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