Sexuality is your divine birthright.
It is the same place creativity is born, and is the reason you were born.
My sexuality and creativity appeared early on. I loved creating, imagining, exploring my body, expressing my sexuality. It allowed me such freedom and fluidity.
Sex lets me express who I am and what emotions I am feeling in the moment. I move with what is flowing inside of me at the time. This and all forms of my creativity look different from day to day.
When I am truly open, it’s like I opened the flood gates, or a majestic waterfall. I can feel the ocean inside of me, and when I am able to express myself, I create magnificent things!
Powerful orgasms, beautiful art, heartfelt writings, gardens, connections, delicious dishes, and new ways to dance and move my body.
When I have freedom to be me and express myself, it’s like a well that never runs dry. Because this well rose, and rose early in life, I attracted those who wanted to shut my well off. Or, they wanted to take and take, but if they had allowed me the room to be ME, they would’ve had more than they could ever need.
If I tried, I could go back even further to find more examples, but one instance in my life stands out, and what better moment to express sexual shaming than my first sexual encounter.
February 5, 2001:
I was just shy of turning 15 years old. I was anxious to see my boyfriend at the time. School had been closed for several days because of an ice storm. I hadn’t spoken to him in over a week, and I was feeling antsy. I had the idea to go to my boyfriend’s house after school, so I called my parents and told them I was going to an R.O.T.C. drill team practice.
Fast forward to the good stuff, right?
Well I had quite the experience….
We arrived at his house, and no one was home yet. After making out on the couch, I decided this was a good time to have sex. So I had the bright idea of going to the bathroom to shave “down there”. I asked him for a razor and if he wanted to help me. “Eh, not so much, freak” is what I imagined he was thinking when he declined that invitation. So, as I’m shaving, I manage to cut my thumbnail! I should have seen that as an omen for what was to come (spoiler, it definitely wasn’t me that did).
The whole thing, especially looking back at the great, or even semi-good, sex was quite rubbish. Just all of it. No connection, it didn’t feel good, it hurt, and our session was interrupted by a phone call with ANOTHER GIRL while kneeling by me with an erection. I was uncomfortable, frozen, and embarrassed. It was just not what I had expected my first time to be.
The story gets messed up. So my “boyfriend” (was he just mine?) had his step dad take me home, just the two of us in his linen truck. The vehicle is important, because my house was at the bottom of a hill on a dead end, single lane road. I had to be dropped off at the top of the hill where my bus stop was. I experienced my walk of shame (and in pain, I felt like my insides had been scrambled) on my very first time.
If my parents hadn’t already suspected that I was lying about my whereabouts, they did now. I came in, my energy was all over the place I’m sure, and both of my parents were sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me.
My “friend” in R.O.T.C drill team blew my cover by asking my dad “what drill practice?” when he called about getting a ride for the morning. My girlfriend had let me use her cell phone to call my parents on was called and let them know that I was not at the basketball game either. Her mother was also spoken to about where I might be.
I knew I was fucked. After I tried every angle I could to get out of trouble, I broke down and said “I was with my boyfriend, and I screwed him!”
My mom got up from the table and, from what I remember, my dad looked at me in shock and disbelief. She grabbed me and pushed me into the wall while calling me a whore. While also adding things in like “is what you do in your bedroom not enough?” Do you need a vibrator?” “Did you shower off afterwards?”
And if that gaping wound couldn’t get any deeper, she took me to the hospital. I cried so much. In the car, in the waiting room, with the nurse. I believe my mom brought me there, I guess, so I would admit to rape. That way, she wouldn’t have to face the fact that her 14-year old daughter had sex. We were both minors and I told her it was indeed consensual.
The trauma didn’t end there. They pulled me out of school for three days. They had me call my (male) drill sergeant and tell him what I did and why my parents would not allow me to continue drill team. I also had to request that my desk not be anywhere near my partner. I was mortified. During that time out of school, I wanted to die! I thought of ways I could numb my pain. I couldn’t call anyone. I couldn’t tell anyone about my experience. Not only was I not allowed to talk to my friends on the phone, I was banned from hanging out with them because now I was a “bad girl”. This is comical now because one of the girls had been having sex for a couple of years already!
You can imagine what the conversations and focus must have been at school without me there to back myself up. If no one was to believe him when he said he took my virginity, they definitely did now.
The whole experience opened me up to a high school career of being the “easy girl” which I took to heart for a very long time and acted as such. I mean, my own mother called me a whore. It was very easy to create that story in my head.
No matter how much I had these ideas that sex was “dirty”, that I was somehow dirty for wanting to express myself, it didn’t stop me. I even heard that one guy who came over to have sex with me was JUST to make me feel like a slut. I found out that bit of news through the grapevine. Maybe it was all a self-fulfilling prophecy, I took the stories that others said about me and believed them. So I acted as such. Over the years, I would hook up just to feel some sort of “connection”. To feel wanted, approved of, and I really wanted to feel loved. In my twenties, I would drink heavily and do things I know I would not have when I was sober with the people I was with.
I still wanted so badly to uncover my inherent sexuality. I wanted so badly to experience a connection. I studied sex, received an A (plus extra credit) in a sociology of sex class. I have several books on expressing sexuality, from sweet communication to bondage. I went on to see what it felt like to have sex here, there, outside, with multiple partners, with roles, props and costumes, and what it felt like under the influence of different substances or none at all.
My ex-fiancé would shame me for my sexuality, when at first he LOVED my openness. We would mess around in dressing rooms, the car, talk about fantasies, play out roles, and take pictures/videos of each other. It was a LOT of fun! But, just like many of my relationships before this one, the thing that most attracted my partners to me was the thing they started to resent me for. There was a time when he said he couldn’t have sex with me because he couldn’t help but think about who else I had been with. I felt this shame on the other end of the spectrum too. When I felt judged by him, I closed down and would not want to be intimate. He had starred a date on the calendar marking the last time we had sex, which in turn made me close down even more. It is very confusing when this happens. It’s like the whole world doesn’t know what it wants from you. If you’re sexually active and expressive, you are slut shamed. If you are uptight and prude, then you are judged for not being fun or open.
I’d like to change all of that narrative. How would you feel if you knew that sexuality was a sacred gift? It is! It’s your divine right to express yourself sexually. You are not dirty for having it, and you can choose to share or not share it when you so desire. In my own learning, I have discovered it is far more fulfilling to uncover and explore your sexuality with yourself first. Keep the energy authentic, so when you do share it with someone, it comes from a place of integrity.
To say it again: your sexuality is a GIFT, it is yours to express fully with yourself or others. You are NOT dirty for having this sexuality, you are human. A divine spirit manifested as a self-aware YOU. I believe a lot of the taboos we have created regarding sexuality, the body, and fully expressing ourselves are due to the oppression of our natural tendencies. There is no RIGHT way. As long as you come from a place of “Do No Harm”, which is great advice for anyone, then you are not wrong. Understand your flow will come in the form of different cycles throughout your life. Embrace your own sexuality, honor the divine creative power within others, and I believe the shadows surrounding sexuality will dissipate.
Do not let anyone tell you that you are wrong in being your own creative, sexual, expressive, and open self. Listen to others, keep creating and flowing, and know that even after experiencing deep sexual wounds, you are NOT broken. You can heal and a new world will open up for you!